where do I start...Honey every day of my life I think of how I miss you so much. I think of the day you left me, I think of the time we spent in the hospital. I found these two different pictures and they clearly are two different times. I have more too. and it just shows, that you were spending more and more time in the hospital. I know how hard you fought to stay alive. and it makes me want to cry just thinking of what you went through. all the time you were in pain. and you still kept working. even up till your dying day, you talked about how you just need to shake it off and get back to work. you are such a strong man. I admire you soo much. I am so thankful for the years we spent together. I have no regrets with you babe. I have since you left tried to be so strong. and I kept telling myself I dont want to cry or show weakness cause then you will feel bad for leaving me. and if you see I can do it. and handle things you would be proud of me and tell yourself that you did a good job with me. You told me by the time your done with me I"m gonna be strong enough to stand on my own and I tried to convince myself I am. but there is days I'm not so sure. there's days where I second guess myself if I can do this on my own. sometimes I feel so alone. like its just me and Jeff. I know I have a big support system n alot of ppl that will be there for me. If I just say I need help. I just try be so strong n not put my problems on other ppl. cause I know every one else has their own problems.
My work kinda slowed down. and I was thinking I should try get myself into school. and finish my GED so that way I can try get a diff job other than just cleaning. I really don't think I can keep doing that. really hard work. and I still have all your stuff un touched in the storage. In our native tradition we are suppose to put away everything that has to do with the one that passed for a whole year. and give time to heal. although I couldn't put your pictures away. I did leave all your stuff in the storage and didn't want to give any of it away till the year is up. then maybe I'll go through and be able to figure what to do with it all.
I blog on here every once in a while and then I have the journal I started in the hospital that I still write in from time to time. I think that writing helps me a lot. cause its a way for me to get my feelings out with out talking to anyone about it. and I can always go back and read it later. and see how many times I repeat myself lol but either way still therapy for me to put my thoughts down in this blog or in the journal. and sometimes I go back and read the stuff I wrote from when you were still here. well Honey. I love you. and I miss you. I am grateful for all the things you taught me. and grateful for all the great times we had. you showed me so many things in life. never a dull moment with you babe. thanks for the best 10 years of my life. and thanks for Jeffrey I pray I do a good job with him without you. talk to you again <3
